I'd be half out of it before we even met, but I'd be witty and charming and boyish and shaking. And it had a great boyfriend/girlfriend feel.
I liked Greenwich, with the river and the boats and of course the pubs. This was true, though, because all I used to do was get out of my head in local bars around Camberwell. I'd ask them out and pretend I hardly ever did "this kind of thing" and say that I hadn't been out a lot in London because I didn't really know the scene. I'd meet the women the first night and get the obligatory phone number and then after another couple of days, making them sweat a little, I'd call and be all nervous. Since those heady days I heard an adage that seems to apply here: "Hurt people hurt people." I see now that I was in pain and wanted others to feel it, too. I'm not cured of it, but I don't set out to systematically dismantle like I used to. If I'm honest, even today I miss hurting. I allowed you to admire yourself in my eyes. They say the sea is actually black and that it merely reflects the blue sky above. Eyes from which nothing but truth could possibly seep. As for looks? I'm nothing special, but I'm told I have beautiful eyes. And the fact that they were attracted to a piece of shit like me made me hate them even more than if they'd laughed in my face and walked away. Half the time I was trying to push them away, but it had just the opposite effect. Somehow I was able to lure these creatures into my lair. It was after my crazy night with Pen (more on that in a minute) that I realized I had found my niche in life. Not the sex or even the conquest, but the causing of pain. Nothing unusual about my method, everyone did it. Then as one went onto the scrap heap, a new one would take her place. The idea was to have an impressive queue so that when one girl neared maturity-usually after about three or four dates with some phone calls in between-another would be introduced. None of the girls were supposed to know this. Because I was freelance, I could be my own man, so to speak, and I would keep myself busy by ensuring I had dates lined up. I never looked like a drunk, I just was one, and anyway in those days advertising was a far more boozy affair than it is today. And after that I got job after job without too much trouble. Even in art school, I got a grant because my dad had just retired and I suddenly became eligible. Strangely, I was always able to get money. A contradiction in terms if ever there was one. I was working freelance in advertising all through this period in London. The deeper in they were, the more beautiful they looked when the moment came. All those intimate moments, every little sigh, those gentle touches, the lovemaking, the confidences, the orgasms, the attempted orgasms-all mere fuel. There was just the two of us and the pain. All the pretense and rules dissolved away. They'd just stare at me in disbelief and shock. He'd done it, though, because I'd been taking the pith out of hiths listhp. I was lucky to get out of that house alive. One of my "victims" stuck my head on an electric cooker ring. And then when he'd head-butt me, I'd say, "Call that a headbutt?" So the guy would do it again harder. I'd go up to the biggest guy in the place and look up his nostrils and call him a faggot. My mouth always got me into trouble, of course. But then, as far as I was concerned, wasn't everyone doing the same thing? I started to realize something was wrong when I began to get beaten up. I think I always knew deep down I had a drinking problem. Either way, after getting into Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't even kiss a girl for five years. Or maybe I was just afraid that they'd see through me. I couldn't even look at a girl, much less believe I deserved to converse with one. I carried the guilt of my crimes around with me for years after I stopped drinking. I've been punished, so it's okay to talk about it all. The same thing happened to me, only worse. Then the glaze as they tried to hide how much I was hurting them. Till the big saucer eyes were looking at me. I'd wait until they were totally in love with me. I didn't care how long it took either, because I was in no hurry.
Oxygen thief serial#
It's like when you hear serial killers say they feel no regret, no remorse for all the people they killed. Mentally, not physically, I never hit a girl in my life.
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